I’m famished. Up ahead, I see the promise of neon lights.
Closer, I read a sign that blinks: SHIT-SANDWICH SHOP.
Ooooh, I haven’t had a shit-sandwich since the bushfires.
Curious, I step inside.
“We have three menus to choose from,” says a man behind the counter. He looks down at a selection of laminated sheets and, pointing to each one, says: “You can choose The Climate Change, The #MeToo or we have a new one, The Coronavirus.”
The Climate Change has been around for decades and the #MeToo … well, it feels a bit dated too.
“Give me the new one,” I say
He hands me a sheet.
THE CORONAVIRUS MENU:
A tantalising blend of twisted facts and overabundant case load, finished off with a hefty portion of protest. Perfect for a big coronavirus appetite!
The choice is yours! Why not try something a little different? Stuffed full of variety, The Sweden is a sure crowd pleaser and has proven particularly popular with the young at heart.
… ooooh, maybe.
A dizzy delight of crisis mixed with class with enough of the Rona to have you singing from your iso balcony late into the night. Enjoy paired with a home-delivered Lambrusco.
As exotic as it sounds, The Brazil has a slice of denial, peppered with arrogance that achieves devastatingly successful results. If you’re looking for a shit-sandwich that keeps on giving, look no further.
Cosy, COVID comfort food, this shit-sandwich has been popular with everyone in the UK from humble nurses through to Prime Minister BoJo and even Prince Charles!
… so much choice.
The original shit-sandwich. We’d love to say what’s in it, but that’s a tightly held secret. Think one part Chairman’s secret herbs and spices, two parts TikTok controversy. It’s enough to drive you batty! This shit-sandwich is set to take the world by storm.
The New Zealand
With just a tiny hint of coronavirus, the New Zealand is subtle on flavour, but strong on impact. Hard on the outside, but soft in the middle, it’s the envy of everyone in the lunchroom.
The shit-sandwich that has all of Australia talking! Jam-packed full of flavour including anti-maskers, conspiracy theorists, quarantine conundrums and even a dash of Karen thrown in. This lumpy, bumpy ride through the numbers will leave you guessing with every bite.
Chef’s note: Consume immediately, doesn’t travel well.
I survey all the options, but for some reason a shit-sandwich isn’t whetting my appetite.
“Sorry, changed my mind,” I say, handing back the menu.
Back outside, I look down the street and spot the Daily Press Conference Pie Stand. Perfect. A good selection of lips and arseholes should hit the spot.